The inner parts of your personality are not inherently evil or dangerous. They hold difficult emotions that make it difficult for you to function daily. The tricky thing is that your sub-personalities often blend their extreme feelings and thoughts with your everyday mind. So, when you are tired or stressed, hurting parts can "take over" your psychology. Your job is to differentiate your authentic Self from your protective parts and your "younger" exiled parts.

Self-Leadership

You can think of your authentic self as a mediator who seeks to depolarize the conflicts of your inner parts and helps sort out all of the varying emotional needs that you have inside. Your parts of self do not disappear when your Authentic Self takes up leadership. They become less extreme and reveal their unique gifts.

Sometimes, particular parts of yourself can develop their gifts so profoundly that they can even step into leadership when permitted your Authentic Self. They will also withdraw from leadership when the Authentic Self requests it.

Polarization

When trauma occurs - when you are abandoned, rejected, shocked, scared, or abused physically, sexually, or emotionally - your inner family system polarizes into extremes.

As one part takes on an extremely protective role, it unbalances the entire inner system, taking over the leadership responsibilities from the Authentic Self. When the parts of the self become polarized, inner conflict ensues within the psyche.

The Three-Group Ecology

Highly polarized inner family systems are rigid and defended. You will activate intense resistance and emotional pain whenever you try to change any part of yourself without considering the inner family system that operates within you.

It is helpful to respect the parts of yourself that feel scared and defensive; they are just trying to do their job to keep you safe.

Most of us are polarized within our internal family system. Here is how Schwartz describes the three groups:

Exiles

Any part that was hurt, neglected, rejected, scared, or shamed as a child, teen, or younger adult goes into hiding and becomes unknown to your conscious awareness. These emotionally charged sub-personalities become the exiles of your inner family system. These exiles are overwhelmed with feelings of rejection, shame, and unlovability.

Like any exile, these repressed parts become desperate to express themselves. They long for opportunities to break free, share their stories, and release pain. Inner exiles desperately want to be loved, listened to, accepted, and cared for.

These hurting, rejected inner parts are vulnerable. They will flood you with overwhelming emotions. They also look for love in unhealthy ways. They try to resolve their pain in unhealthy situations similar to what hurt them in the first place. If unaccepted within, exiled parts of the self will seek love, acceptance, and protection from the same types of people who hurt them in the first place.

Managers (Protectors)

Many people mistakenly think that their manager-sub-personalities are their Authentic Selves. Inner Managers are highly functioning and even inspiring at times. Managers, however, live in constant dread of the escape of the exiles.

Managerial parts of the self do not accept all of the self as the Authentic self does. Managers control life to avoid triggering unhealed emotional pain. This control can sometimes look noble, creative, spiritual, successful, and high-achieving.

Managers can be highly efficient in the world. They accomplish great things in an unbalanced way that is out of touch with the inner ecology. Highly functioning manager selves can fill your life with noble activities that are done as compensation to avoid emotional pain.

Managers expend enormous amounts of energy keeping painful sensations buried. From our manager part of self, we control, try to be perfectionists, gain approval, and live in rigid denial of what is emotionally arising within.

Managers sacrifice themselves for the internal system. They rarely relax. The more competent these protective parts become, the more the internal system relies on them, and the more the Authentic Self is denied.

A managerial part often feels lonely, overwhelmed, and exhausted. Your inner managers need love, balance, nurture, care, and rest. Because they are only a part of you, your inner managers believe everything depends on them. And the more they accomplish, the less they will be willing to listen to the wisdom of your Authentic Self.

Note: Other kinds of protectors besides managers, most notably inner critics, try to keep you safe from social embarrassment. Read: The Purpose of Your Inner Critic.

Firefighters (Extreme Protectors)

When your managers become exhausted with their responsibilities, the exiles become activated. When the exiles take over, you will become uncontrollably flooded with complicated feelings. The emergency firefighters (your addictions) then swoop in to help you douse the dreaded emotions with little regard for consequences.

The techniques that the firefighters use include extreme activities such as binge eating, drug or alcohol abuse, self-mutilation, inappropriate or abusive sexual activity, physical illness, or other extreme forms of dissociation. A firefighter engages in any self-serving activity that will numb or distract from intensely arising emotional pain.

This extreme mode of coping is the place from which all of our unbalanced, addictive, self-abusive, and obsessive behaviours arise. While managers are controlled, organized, and highly rational, firefighters will use any means necessary to numb emotional pain. These self-focused, emergency behaviours leave a wake of destruction.

Restoring Balance, Harmony, and Leadership

It can be such a relief to creatively sort out the map of your psyche to understand how you operate. Through self-acceptance, the gifts and strengths you buried and your emotional pain will finally come to the forefront for expression in your daily life.

Every personality part has a valuable role, and each part will eagerly leave its extreme roles given the love, self-acceptance, and inner nurturing you provide through the loving witnessing presence of your Authentic Self.

Creative multiplicity can be a profoundly moving and fun process. You can grow to respect and appreciate all of your personality and arts, which have kept you safe, helped you function, and brought you intact to this present moment.